Sophie

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. - Winnie The Pooh

I decided to post this as soon as possible just in case I forget about it. But again, how can I ever forget about this? Just in case y'all have no idea what's this about, this is a post dedicated to See Ke Xin Sophie, daughter of my beloved ex-form teacher Sherman See and his wife Mrs See. If you dig deep enough into this blog, you'll find one about his wedding. Yes, that 'old man' already has a daughter, just born on August 21st (If I'm correct).

It seemed so fast, that I didn't realise that it's almost a year since Sherman's birthday which our entire class 4E celebrated together as a class, how we conspired to smash a plain birthday cake on him (Edwin Wong you got the honour of personally completing that mission) and how sweet his appreciation 'speech' was. I could never forget that. He was even wearing the tee the class made for him when we were still '3E' on his previous birthday. And way before that was the Taman Negera trip which after we found out Sherman's secret relationship, we actually sorta pressured him to propose marriage, which he did, in dramatic fail fashion. Back to last November which we attended his wedding, a marriage in which we played an integral part in, and witnessed our ex-teacher say "I Do". That magic of that wedding would last forever in our minds, as we waved our ex-teacher off when he drove his Audi away with his bride to perhaps a happily ever after. Now, it's nearing the end of August, soon marking his 31st birthday (or is it 32nd? I'm confused here...), and there he is, with a completed family.

It's like we got into some sort of time travel and arrived at a timeline a year later. Sophie was born into this world, and lucky enough beside her is Mr and Mrs See, and later on she'll meet her other 42 brothers and sisters. Although... I have absolutely no idea that Mr See already planned to name his daughter Sophie(Or that I forgot). Coz... I also wanted to name my future daughter Sophie, if I had one. Maybe that's the affinity I have with this newborn child. Sherman why you steal my future daughter's name??? XP

That tiny little seed within a mother's womb that slowly becomes a form of life, slowly and surely growing, then eventually comes the birth of a new identity. A new life. No matter what, children will forever fill the hole within people's life that they didn't realise they had, like a missing jigsaw puzzle piece that would make the puzzle look perfect. They are the hope of our future, and the parents of the future generations. They are angels when they are first born... and well, all of us slowly take the form of little devils anyway. I'm not a parent so I don't know how parents would feel when they first set their eyes on their baby when they were born, but I guess you'd feel besides pure elation, some kind of completion. They say when a baby is born, a parent is born as well. A kind of responsibility is born. 

Still I find it amusing to imagine Sherman as a dad. I mean, yes he has successfully 'parented' 42 noisy and rowdy 'kids' in a classroom, handed out Physics assignments, gave us a breathing space during Character First periods, and a great deal lot of fun. Oh he even managed to stuff 8 of us into his car at one point. What a great adventure. But, to imagine him having to communicate with a tiny creature that speaks in a very different language, feeding her with milk, trying to hush her to sleep, attempting to stop her cries, changing her diaper and all that, it's just amusing I suppose. Though I must say, enjoy it while it lasts :D

Congratulations Daddy Sherman!!

"You spend the first two years of their life trying to teach them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."

All My "Dreams"

“A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.” - John Lennon

I don't know why, but I've always been a dreamer. I dream a lot. I dream when I sleep, I daydream in class, I imagine a hell lot of stuff when I'm travelling, be it on train, on bus, or in my dad's car. But there's always a stark difference between imagination and dreams. We can't control what we dream about at night, when we are fast asleep. And that's the magical part of dreams, it can be everything under the sun. Well, I think it can be 'above' the sun too.

I recall writing a similar post on the same topic: Dreams, since I also had a flood of dreams back then in the post O-levels period, when I'm prolly all relaxed. This time it's the same, I get ridiculous dreams when I sleep. Half of what I dreamt doesn't even make any sense. Either it's practically useless or I am unable to interpret it since the dreams are very unclear, and I tend to forget such 'insignificant' dreams quickly(it always happen, doesn't it?). As for the other half... They might also be ridiculous, but perhaps in a different way.

Okay, this dream is stuck in my mind because I made an effort to REMEMBER it till the day I post about it. I'm gonna write whatever I can recall from it, and I emphasise, it's only a dream and I already said that it's ridiculous. I can't remember exactly how the dream started out, but I remember the bulk of it. In the dream, it seemed that I was with my classmates, together with the entire J1 cohort of Innova Junior College. I recognise some of them so I sorta know. I dunno how we got there and why we were in that place, but it seemed to be that we were in some sort of a field trip outdoors. It's a city area, there appears to be buildings on the horizon, and we are just there, no idea why. If I recall correctly, it was supposed to be a bright day at first, prolly at noontime. 

Here's the main body of the dream. I saw a meteor crashing down. It's getting bigger and bigger. And you know what that means. It's on a crash-course with us. Me and a few of my friends started to run, to escape from the incoming meteor. By then, the sky has turned almost dark and crimson red. I can't recall how we actually did it, but I sorta 'hopped' away from the incoming meteor, barely avoided it, while it crashed onto a shop or something. It's like the meteors you saw in the first Transformer movie when the Autobots came crashing onto Earth. There's lightning everywhere, filled with menacing blue energy. I hear sounds of thunder and some kind of cannon fire sound. It's a complete catastrophe back in there. If you may, it's like the apocalypse. 

Then something (ridiculous) happened. I saw some of my schoolmates get struck by lightning, and some get hit by meteorites. But they didn't die. Okay, they were kinda shaking furiously while getting struck by the blue lightning energy(which they are supposed too I think), but they didn't die. Worse of all, I recognise all of them as student leaders of IJC. Student councillors, House-Exco members, House Captains etc. I clearly recall that because I saw the Student Council President getting struck by lightning, and somehow I just know that all student leaders are getting hit by these "natural" hazards. Now, I can't interpret what's gonna on in my dream. They get hit, they didn't die. Doesn't make any sense. 

And these student leaders who got hit, are like the "chosen" people according to my dream. I felt that, somehow. I was disappointed partly because I wasn't one of them, I suppose. That's probably how I felt in the dream. Well, I can't totally recall what took place next but it seemed to me that the calamity was over and the clear skies were back, and we all took the school buses back. By then I can no longer hold on to that dream and I woke up(I've almost woke up in the middle but I kept holding onto the dream to continue it). Weird dream, huh?

This is only just one, because there are many other dreams I had. Not to say that they are similar to this but if there's  something I can remember these dreams, it's two things. One: It's so epic and ridiculous that I feel embarrassed talking about it. Two: These scenarios in my dreams are trying to tell me something. Whoa whoa, you must think that I'm saying that I've sixth sense or something but I do really have this feeling which is incomprehensible. This sudden horde of dreams(or nightmares) are telling me something. Something important. Heck, I must be a living prophet.

Hotel Rwanda

Paul: "How can they not do anything? Don't they care?"

Jack: "I think that when people turn on their TVs and see this footage, they'll say, "Oh my God, that's horrible," and then they'll go back to eating their dinners." 

- From the movie Hotel Rwanda

The previous Thursday(the Thursday before the last one), the History cohort got to watch the movie Hotel Rwanda, which is relevant to our current History study of the United Nations and its effectiveness. If you want to know why it took me so long to post this since I had watched it more than a week ago, just check my usual excuses in my previous posts. Anyways, this is my second History movie screening(the first was Thirteen Days), and there might still been a third and more in the future. 

Just in case any of you doesn't have a clue about this movie's plot and background, it's based on a true story that happened in the actual events of the Rwanda genocide in 1994. The ethnic conflict between Hutus and Tutsis raged on, killing millions of innocent people in the wake of the brutal civil war. The United Nations tried to intervene but could not effectively stop the conflict and there were shortage of manpower within the peacekeeping forces sent there to 'keep' the 'peace'. No matter how I see it, there simply wasn't any peace to 'keep'. Chaos is an understatement if you watched the film, much less the actual events that had occurred. 

The main character of the movie, Paul Rusesabagina, is a Hutu, married to Tatiana who is a Tutsi, together with their children had to sought refuge in a hotel named Hôtel des Mille Collines who he then became in-charge-of, then had to shelter hundreds of Tutsi and moderate Hutu refugees within the hotel. He bribed the leader of the local militia many times, the Rwandan Army and it was utter chaos. Only 4 UN peacekeepers were spared by the undermanned UN peacekeeping forces to guard the hotel. And they are not allowed to shoot. It gets worse every single scene, as people get massacred 'outside' and no one knows when they might be the next. They were living on a thin thread, there's always the possibility of getting killed just the next moment.

There was numerous close-calls for Paul and his family, as well as, the refugees who stuck together in order to survive, waiting day after day for UN reinforcements, intervention forces and relief forces. That eventually came, but only to evacuate all the foreigners back to their country, leaving the Paul and the natives behind. The rest... Well, I'll leave it to you to watch the film and find out how it went and ended. It's a very touching film, and it was meant to be a message for peace, and a solemn reminder of how harsh and unfeeling humans can be, even towards their own kind. 

Yes, this kinda movie brings out the brutal truth in such massacres and genocides. The amount of blood shed in the history of mankind is just... You know what I mean. There were wars and killings found in our history probably since the dawn of civilisation. Some call it a war, others call it a holy crusade, a jihad, some form of 'cleansing', a vendetta, whatever. Under whatever names you call it, it is still considered as mass killings, probably for a cause, whether it's justifiable or not. And in this case, there are hundreds of thousands were killed during the genocide. That's gotta count. It's just so horrible when you think about it.

The film reminded me of my school trip to Nanjing in when I was in Secondary 2. We went to the Nanjing Massacre Memorial and got to understand the events that happened during the massacre. It was during World War 2 when the Japanese invaded China and they massacred people in Nanjing. According to the memorial, a total estimate of 300,000 people were slaughtered. It was a painful sight to bear when I was there. Even after we got out of the memorial, I remained silent, in deep thoughts and reflection. Similarly, I did the same when I watched the film. I felt so... helpless as I watched the parts where people were getting slaughtered like they don't mean anything. I wished I could've done something, anything to prevent this from happening. It was so brutal that I can't help but feel bad. It's a heartbreaking experience. It prompts you questions that you wouldn't have asked yourself before. How atrocious and savage can we humans actually be? Even animals don't even kill their own kind. How can some people claim to be more superior, more important, just because of the colour of their skin? How can lives be just taken away like they don't matter at all?

When the movie is nearing its end, I've made a promise to myself. If I got the power and influence to do so, I will not let the same thing happen again. I'm not gonna witness any meaningless murders again. If I'm able to, I'll stop it. No, I'm not gonna let the same tragedy happen twice. Not if I can help it. Not on my watch.

Colonel Oliver: You should spit in my face.
Paul: Excuse me, Colonel?
Colonel Oliver: You’re dirt. We think you’re dirt, Paul.
Paul: Who is we?
Colonel Oliver: The West. All the super powers. Everything you believe in, Paul. They think you’re dirt. They think you’re dumb. You’re worthless.
Paul: I am afraid I don't understand what you are saying, sir.
Colonel Oliver: Oh, come on, Paul, you're the smartest man here. You got 'em all eating out of your hands. You could own this frigging hotel, except for one thing. You're black. You're not even a nigger. You're an African. They’re not going to stay, Paul. They’re not going to stop this slaughter.

- From the movie Hotel Rwanda

The Secretary-General

If the United Nations does not attempt to chart a course for the world's people in the first decades of the new millennium, who will? - Kofi Annan

Actually, I wanted to post this a few days back but is once again delayed by tasks I have to complete. Also, I came across LOTS of topics to post about, which is not a common phenomenon for me, since I always can't seem to find any relevant topic to post about. Just that I don't have the chance to. Now, finally I can post something.

Anyways, this thing happened on Wednesday just three days back. Together with the rest of my class 1243A, we were having History tutorial, touching on the topic of the United Nations. My History teacher came up with an interesting activity. For those who doesn't know, there's something called the Security Council within the United Nations(UN). It has 15 member countries in total, and of which, 5 are permanent members: US, Russia, China, Britain and France(forgive me for being lazy to spell the official names of these nations). Go check it out yourself if you wish to know more. 

Like I've said, there are 15 member countries in total within the Security Council, and there's 1 Secretary-General in the UN. And my class has exactly 16 students and all are present. You see the connection? So, my History teacher decided to create a Mock Security Council meeting. Okay, here is how it goes. He called us to move tables together to create some sort of a semi-rectangle, and one table is placed out of the formation where everyone can see, which is for the Secretary-General.

Everyone is named after a country, serving as the representative of that particular country, while one lucky(or unlucky) soul is to become the Secretary-General and conduct the meeting. Well, guess what? If there's something the "Security Council" can decide on unanimously, it's the nomination of the Secretary-General. And that one unlucky soul is... Me. When my History teacher announced his plans for the day, I already know that I'm doomed to take the position of the Secretary-General, since almost everybody is my class calls me "Mr. President"... And I can't even recall how it started in the first place.

If that's bad enough, there's more to come. As if me getting stuck in the "hot-seat" as the Secretary-General isn't entertaining enough, my worst dreams have come true. Sometimes I wish I'm not THAT prophetic. Back when there was history debates organised by our dear History teacher, it became very clear that we have two very ummm... powerful debating powers within the class itself. Because of those debates we had, I nicknamed those two as "the two superpowers" and "the Cold War rivals", namely the US and USSR in reference to the Cold War conflict. And the two girls "happened" to be the representatives for exactly these two countries during these Mock Security Council meeting. Oh My God. Mutually Assured Destruction.

Permanent members in the Security Council(SC) hold special "veto" powers, which can immediately prevent any bill or action or resolution be passed even when there's only one veto. To add on to that, the bill or resolution can only be passed when there's at least 9/15 members votes. That's pretty difficult, considering the fact that the permanent members have to have their own nation's interests to be taken care of, and the large majority of the SC members to raise their hand in agreement in order for a bill or resolution to be passed successfully.

Here's the piece of instructions for my role as Secretary-General:

The Secretary General's role is to facilitate the meeting and to attempt to pass resolutions on each of the following agenda (i.e. he/she will propose a resolution then call for votes on it):

1: Two new nations wish to join the United Nations: Vietnam and Portugal. Security Council members are to discuss and vote on their applications for membership.

2: There is a major civil war in the Congo, posing a severe threat to peace and security in the region. Peacekeeping measures are urgently needed and the Security Council has to decide on the appropriate steps to take.

3: The UN's budget for the forthcoming year has to be decided. It has been proposed that the contribution from developed countries should be raised by 35% so as to fund additional peacekeeping forces as well as to aid the development of poorer nations.

Note: The list here is made up by our teacher, although the Congo Crisis had really happened. 

Being the History person I am, I immediately sighed and shook my head upon looking at this list. It's virtually almost impossible to pass any resolution to any of these agendas unless there are huge compromise from the members. Yes, my teacher wanted to bring up the problems the United Nations face in terms of the decision-making process within the Security Council. There's self-interests to be taken care of by each party, be it a superpower in a midst of a Cold War rivalry, an used-to-be empire which is in a financial crisis suffered from a gruelling war and had their attention on other issues such as decolonisation, an ally of a certain power, a country involved in a national crisis(Congo in this case), a country in the midst of improving it's reputation and developing their status, a country which may be very wealthy but just refuse to pay up and all sorts of things. I emphasise that I'm not pointing fingers at any particular person or country, just stating the facts here.

So with all these in their minds, how is it possible for a resolution to be passed without facing stiff problems? There can be a conflict of interests everywhere, anywhere. 

Actually we did it, somehow... We passed last two of the three written above, which is a major achievement since it was set up to fail actually. But it wasn't without making compromises that we did it, members are forced to compromise one or more of their own agendas(each will have three) in order to permit the passing of a resolution. It was really an entertaining session of my class, and I assure you, you will laugh at us if you witnessed what actually transpired in the classroom. I wished it was filmed down, seriously. It's just too funny and utterly chaotic. My teacher and I tried out best to keep some form of order in the discussion, which we did eventually, but that didn't stop us from having a fun discussion. 

Again, although it's pretty obvious from the start, it's not anywhere near "easy" to make an almost unanimous decision within the Security Council, and it's definitely not easy to be a Secretary-General. Indeed, the role of the UN is indispensable, to preserve the peace and security in the international community as a whole. Peace and security which people had died and shed blood for during the previous wars. And of course, to make the world a better place. Sounds like a huge ambition, and seems almost unattainable. But still, it's a good cause to continue fighting for. Perhaps not the "fighting" you might have in mind.

Salutes to all the Secretary-Generals for their efforts. It must have been really tough being one, I admit, though I'm just one for a mock SC discussion. You gotta have lots of positive attributes within your personality in order to be a Secretary-General of the UN. 

Still, it fuelled me to continue heading towards my personal goal and fulfilling my ambition. To change the world, even if it's just a little bit. Of course, change for the better.


P.S According to my teacher, we might have another session similar to this. One which is like a mock General Assembly with the entire lecture group in a lecture theatre. Heh, I'm pretty pumped up for it.

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT take any offence on whatever I've written here because I meant not offence to anyone or any particular nation or organisation or whatever.

A Fool

On that glamourous night, everyone is dressed in formality
All that make-up and fitting, made dreams become reality.

A bunch of handsome guys, a group of beautiful girls
Clad in sleek outfits, hair made into curls.

Such a wonderful night, such a beautiful sight
Yet there’s just one thing and I have to make it right.

As I waited for my chance, I tried to confront my fear
To let my yearnings reach you, and hope that I will not tear.

Gathering my courage, I know I won’t get another chance in this life
Counting-down patiently with my phone, I decided to call you at 12:55.

“Meet me outside” was what I said
You said “okay”, yet I’m still afraid.

After a turn of events, you and I were finally alone
My heart was pumping, while I adjusted my tone.

That fateful moment had arrived, and I’m trembling inside
“Coz’ I got something to say to you” and I hoped my fear would subside.

You smiled serenely, while I blushed like crazy
I whispered “It is you”, and my mind went hazy.

Whatever happened next was so vivid, I waited for a miracle
However, your answer just made my life miserable.

You nudged me and said “Best Friend”
That’s when I wished it would quickly end.

You went on saying “It’s not you, it’s me”
Perhaps you think that we were never meant to be.

I smiled back and replied “It’s okay, I’ll be fine”
With a bit of reassurance, I hoped I picked the correct line.

In truth, hell just came into my life
Well, at least my heart was stabbed by your knife.

Best friends huh? I hope that it is true
Thanks a lot, for making it less painful.

Just something I had written some 9 months back and didn't dare to publish it. I guess the time's ripe? Anyways, I appreciate it. I really do. If you're reading this, here's my last request: If you're gonna find someone else, please find someone better than me. Oh gosh what am I thinking? Surely you will be capable of that.

Farewell, My Idol

"Forever, I’ll always be a Celtic, no matter what." - Ray Allen


I always get the feeling that I've neglected this blog and always wanted to post something like at least once a week. But JC life have caught up with me and I'm having trouble with my EoM and other stuff. Either that or I'm just too lazy or can't think of anything to write about. Oh well, this topic just have to come along and make me log into this blog again and write something. 


If you ask me, honestly, I even don't know how I felt when this happened. I have mixed feelings even until now. C'mon, it's Ray Allen. The Three-Point King. My idol in basketball. Before you question me, NO. No, my idol in basketball isn't Lebron "The King" James. Nope, it's never Kobe Bryant. Not Kevin Durant either. Not Dwyane Wade, not Carmelo Anthony, not Chris Paul, not Derrick Rose, not Dwight Howard, not Jeremy Lin, not Russell Westbrook. Not even Kevin Garnett or Paul Pierce. Heck, Rondo is second. It's Ray Allen and his silky jumpshot from beyond the 3-point line. The one I looked up to, the one I aspire to be like. His dedication, his effort, his professional attitude, his contributions and his HEART. And there he is now, no longer part of the Boston Celtics, no longer part of the FAMILY. Okay, that's still fine by me, but where did he land? It just have to be the Reigning NBA champion, the Miami Heat. The Celtics arch-rival. The team that knocked the Celtics out twice during past two playoffs. Needless to say, I'm bitter about this.


I always wanted to get a Ray Allen jersey/tee. In Green and White. But I can't seem to find one here in Singapore. So I was waiting to get one soon, possibly through online shopping or something. Here's the key, I WAS waiting. I mean, he's going to the Miami Heat and you obviously can't expect me to purchase his Heat jersey. So my hopes of wearing the jersey/tee is crushed. And his jersey number is not going to be retired as a Boston Celtic. I will see Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett's jersey number hanged and properly retired (if nothing goes wrong and Danny Ainge doesn't try to trade either of them), but not Ray Allen's. And I always thought that the Big Three since their formation in 2007/08 will stick together till the very end. 


Although I sorta saw it coming but I was praying for Ray Allen to re-sign with the Celtics so that I can watch them play together as a team again. Celtics offered more money than the Heat but still he went over. What am I supposed to feel then? I mean if he's going anywhere, at least have a reason. Unless he says that his main reason for joining the Miami Heat is to chase after another championship ring(which he already has one), I have no choice but to simply label him as someone who does not like the Boston Celtics organisation. I mean he has done a lot of things for the Celtics organisation. He contributed a lot to Banner 17, and in every game the Celtics played. He even played through the bone spurs in his ankle during the playoffs when the Celtics lacked a starting SG when Avery Bradley got seriously injured. Also, It is true that Danny Ainge tried to trade Allen. It is true that his role as a Celtic has diminished over the years. It is true that we sometimes take him for granted. It is true that we often saw him as the number three of the Big Three and number four of the evolved Big Four. I gotta to admit that if I was in his shoes, I won't feel any good, even if it's only business and he is really getting old. But it just pierces my heart when he decides to hang around with the other Big Three in Miami. 


It apparently caused a huge upheaval and commotion among the Celtics fans. There are people who labelled him a traitor, who now despise him for leaving and losing his Celtics pride. The comments stating that he is no longer Jesus Shuttlesworth but Judas Shuttlesworth. Though I find these kinda flaming comments absolutely annoying, lack insight and understanding, I do feel almost betrayed. All the hateful comments from Celtics hardcore fans and Miami fans(towards the Celtics fans) just can't seem to stop. The image of Ray Allen seemed to slowly fade while this thing goes on. Before the the deal got finalised, I even dreamt of Ray Allen's 'funeral'. That shows how much he meant to me and how much damage his move to Miami dealt to me. He 'died' in my dreams.


Whatever's done is done, I can't do anything. I'm not Danny Ainge, nor am I Ray Allen himself. So I can only hope that he will not tarnish my image of him any more and I wish him all the best in his future endeavours. Since I'm a Celtics fan, I'm still gonna cheer for the Celtics when the two rivals meet again next season and hopefully the playoffs. I'm not gonna hate him unless he hits a game-winning shot against the Celtics in a deciding playoffs match. 


I always shoot 3-pointers(though not during a match) when I'm playing basketball, and will always try to score one as a sort of a 'closure' before I leave a court which shows how much I really like 3-pointers. As a tribute to all he has done for the Celtics and the fans within this really fun 5-year ride, I'm not gonna score any 3-pointers for a month from the day he officially signed with the Heat onwards. 


To Ray Allen: I hope you will never forget the days you spent together with the Celtics family and always remember your Celtic Pride wherever you go. Continue to be an inspiration. Continue to rain threes down your opponents(maybe besides the Celtics XD). Continue to play with hustle and heart. Continue to be Jesus Shuttlesworth. Continue to be Ray Allen. Thanks for everything. #IAmACeltic #BleedGreen #CelticsPride #20

Throw or Keep?

I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you. - Anonymous

You know I have this key-chain, a very symbolic one, put together with my pair of keys (obviously). I was wondering that perhaps someday I might remove it myself. Heck, I'm almost certain that someday I'll remove it. I keep asking myself what's the point of keeping it and having to look at it every single time I take out my keys. It'd only serve as a constant reminder. Reminding me that you're not mine, and most likely you'll never be mine. So what's the point of keeping it there, if it's only for decoration?

I keep pondering over this matter, ever since I first put it together with my keys. Clearly I was silly enough to keep clinging onto that tiny bit of hope I had left. Well, I was planning to stay faithful and chose not to give up. Giving up was never in my vocabulary. Not since I've watched Naruto. Ya, I may have times when I did not put up my best performance, when I did not put in my best effort in doing something. But giving up? Never. And now, I may just have to do that thing that I'd never done before in my life. Probably there will soon come a time where I'll give up on you. Perhaps very soon indeed.

I mean, how long has it been? More than 7 months. I should have already figured out what had happened and what will happen. Ya, I did. And being an incredibly good mind-reader, with exceptional observation skills, and gifted with prophetic prescience (Ya, I know I'm just phrasing myself), I sorta figured what happened during the past few months. But what can I say when I already knew that it's coming and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it?

Sometimes I have the urge to just pull that keychain out and throw it away dramatically. Discard it like it meant nothing from the start. Sometimes I just wanna forget everything. Why wait for someone who prolly isn't going appear anyway? I wish I can just drown in all the distractions around me. Studying, playing, listening to music, having fun with my peeps and so on. But it's useless. When we locked eyes even for that mere second, I wasn't able to do anything but shyly look away. Because I know it's almost impossible for me to forget you just like that. And I don't even know why.

I don't even know why did I fall for you in the very first place. It's been about two years back and I can't even answer that stupid question. Yes, why you? I couldn't answer that then, and still I can't answer that now. I'm such a childish fool. Looking at myself, I can't help but admit defeat over and over again. I know that I'm not worthy and it is highly unlikely that I'll ever be (unless something miraculous happen. See? I told you I'm still hoping). I just feel damn inferior. Do I mean anything significant to you? Of course not. You prolly have found another special someone already, haven't you? So why am I even contemplating whether it's about time I just give up? Didn't the answer presented itself to me already?

I know this is cliché but my mind is telling me to just give it up, while my heart says otherwise. I guess I'm that foolish to think that miracles do happen. Like how Man City scored two goals in the final minutes that turned monumental disappointment to joy in a historic fashion. 

It's not easy to take out the keychain though, both literally and not. I have to untie the knot and separate the two rings. But I suppose it's really about time to give up. Throw the keychain away. Perhaps into the bottom of the sea, never to be found again. Or maybe I'm just gotta leave it hanging there, continue waiting for the day when I can smile whenever I look at it. Who knows? 我只不过是个幼稚的大笨蛋

You'll always be my 沈佳宜, but chances are, I'll never be your 柯景腾.