The Starting Line

A great many things which in times of lesser knowledge we imagined to be superstitious or useless, prove today on examination to have been of immense value to mankind. - Lafcadio Hearn 

Today is the day before my Chinese 'O' Level Examinations. I have had minor anxiety attacks these few days, even nightmares of chinese vocabulary. To put it simply, I'm worried. Worried that the paper will make things difficult for me to achieve my A1 grade. Worried that many others like me will score as high or even higher than me (I was top in Chinese in my school, it's just pressure from mostly myself to do better than most if not all of my classmates.). Worried that I might screw up the paper, missing my A1 target and having the re-take the exam during the November period. Before every 'important' exam, I would feel this way. Nervous, worried, scared, imagining the worst, and so on. I'm pretty sure every one else feels almost the same. I've been through the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE), and that feeling I had back then still can't be compared to this. I am trying to relax myself and keep my cool. But I'm not sure whether I can keep myself cool and able to think properly during the exam itself that will happen in about ten and a half hours. I can already see myself dressed in the usual school uniform, wearing my school shoes and taking in a deep breath before I step out of the house early tomorrow. I always do that during examinations. This is it. All the hard work, the homework torture, the teacher's care and support and the education we received these four years will be put to the test soon. This is what we have gone through it all for. And this will be the first in the many others to come. I must not fail (not literally 'fail' an exam, but 'fail' to achieve my target). Wish me luck.

Resist

Tis one thing be tempted, another thing to fall - William Shakespeare

It's been rather long since I've posted. Well, more than a week seems long enough. Before I start on anything, I shall inform you guys about some of the stuff that happened during these days which I didn't have the time to post. I've got back my results, and true enough, I have scored what I've expected. There wasn't really anything unexpected if you don't count the fact that I failed Social Studies by 2 points. Damn it. Also, there had been some minor disputes within the "Brotherhood" (my friendly yet a little foolish 'clique'), that caused it to be disbanded and 'banded' again. Get the idea? We actually made the changes using the method of 'popular votes' and we would vote for our choice. That was purely for fun, though. Also, my Mother Tongue 'O' Level Exam is just 5 days away. I am anxious and obviously afraid that I might screw it up and not achieve my intended A1. It's getting more stressful as each hour pass by. I really hope that I will not screw up and can get my desired A1. If that happens, I will not have to re-take the exam and can relieve the burden of the Mother Tongue subject on my shoulders, having the extra time to focus on other subjects which desperately needed revision and practice. Well, let's get back to the main topic.
Main topic: Temptation. There's Chapel service at school today (for every Wednesday), and the Reverend preached on "How to defeat Temptation". Sounds cool? He used four 'R's to teach us on the solution to Temptation. True enough, Temptations are everywhere. If you didn't realise it, now you do. Food, Rest, Glory, Fame, Possession, Money etc. Just take some time to look around. You will find temptations. The computer you are staring at right now is already one. You just turn left, you will find another one or two or even much more. Turn right, you'll find another. I mean it when I said 'everywhere'. The Reverend told us the four 'R's as: Re-focus, Reveal, Realise, Resist. I can't really remember which comes first; Reveal or Realise, but they should either take the second or third place. Re-focus generally mean to "zoom out" of your sight or just let the particular temptation out of your sight by just walking away from it and focus on other important things. Reveal meant telling someone about your weakness to a particular temptation and try to get help. Friends and family will offer help to you. Realise meant to discover and be aware for your vulnerability to temptations and use measures to counter them. Resist simply meant what it meant in the dictionary. Be unyielding to temptation, and it will leave you. I find this very useful and certainly hope that you will find solutions to resist the temptations of your life.

Reset

Intelligence takes chance with limited data in an arena where mistakes are not only possible but also necessary. - Darwi Odrade

My exams are officially over. My troubles, stress, pressure are gone. Really? Nope. I'm still feeling them after approximately 6 hours and 13 minutes removed from the examinations schedule. Why? It is supposed to be the time when you finally let everything out and just 'de-stress'. It's time for some R&R(Rest & Relax/Recover). We, the examination candidates, have been thrown questions by questions throughout the past 2/3 weeks. I'd gladly say that we've done our best and it's time to finally get some rest. But I'm still under the stress. It's because I know that it's not over. Well, in a few days time, we would be taking our results back. That's the deciding moment. All the effort we have or have not put in lies in the results. I understand the fact that I've screwed up a few of my papers. But that alone does not seem to be a reason enough to make me still under the exam stress. Yes, I also know that we're soon approaching the final lap of our secondary school journey. On 30th May, which is just a little more than 2 weeks, we will have a Mother Tongue O-level paper. It's gonna be a serious battle. Then after that, the O-level Oral Exam will soon come. Then the Prelimary Examinations we will have in our school. And finally, we will find ourselves staring down on the exam papers we've been working so hard for in order to score high in those papers so that we can get into schools/courses of our choice. Time will fly. Before we know it, we will be revising like everyday, preparing for our objective after these 4 years of secondary school life. That's more than reason enough for me to not fully rest and relax. Soon, I'll continue the weekly study schedule, then the revision will get more and more intense. After pacing for so long, we are all gearing up for the final sprint to the finishing line. After this Mid-Year Examinations, the scoreboard has been reset, and the final quarter will soon start (If you watch NBA, you'll know what I mean). On my birthday and my jie's birthday, I finally saw her online. After a nostalgic and familiar friendly conversation, she told me to study hard and get into a Junior College. Without saying out loud, I promised her. Although I may not get into a JC, but I intend to keep my promise to study hard and get good results. Wish me luck, my friends.

Birthday

From our birthday, until we die,
Is but the winking of an eye.
- William Butler Yeats

If you guys have realised, all my recent relevant blog posts have a title that starts with 'Re...' This post will be different. Yes, you should have guessed it. Today it's my birthday. May 7th. I am not someone that actually really view my birthday as of great importance. Or even any importance at all. To me, birthdays are just the proof of our existence. Nothing more, nothing less. And of course, the pain our mothers have to go through to give birth to us. And to sing a birthday song, give birthday presents, send birthday wishes... These are special acts. Acts indicating that they recognise and appreciate your existence in their life. This is what Birthdays generally mean to me. Special days that come once in a year. Those who are born on Feb 29, have to wait 4 years though. I don't really actually want any birthday presents, but I like to give birthday presents instead. To me, birthdays of my friends are of much more significance. There's also someone else's birthday today. My jie's(god-sister) birthday. If you guys have read my previous post on her, you would know our relationship and how it came about. We share the same birthday. That really surprised me when she told me that she was born on May 7th too. Just that she's older than me by age. I'm waiting for her to come online so that I could wish her Happy Birthday. Today is also the polling day for Singapore for the General Elections. I'm really excited today. There's just one thing that troubles me on my 16th Birthday. My injured leg. Crap.

Revulsion

The coward will not fight. The fool refuses to see necessity. The scoundrel puts himself ahead of humanity. - Xavier Harkonnen

I must give my deepest apologies to my faithful readers wherever you are, as I've not posted much and anything at all these few days. The Mid-Year Examinations have officially started yesterday and I've took 2 papers already by the end of today. It will be a busy fortnight for me so I too will not post much because I will be concentrating on revising and preparing for the exams.
After today's examinations, my class had a O-Level Physics Science Practical Assessment (SPA). Right before that, we were in the supposed "Quarantine Zone" in the Biology Lab where we do our last revision and prepare for the upcoming assessment. Guess what happened during that period of time in there? Two jokers took out the distilled water spray and started to spray at a particular whiner. It was rather chaotic. Quite number of people got caught in the "Crossfire" and got hit by the water. Imagine spraying water across two benches. I happened to be in the vicinity and also got hit. I was rather annoyed at the playful jokers who seemed to not stop. I gave them a cold stare, indicating them to stop everything. They got part of my point and was sorry for accidentally spraying on "innocent parties" such as me. However, they did not stop the water assault on the guy they always pick on for fun. ("Picked on" does not mean real bad bullying. We all take him as a friend. Although he's really a big whiner.) I didn't bother to say anything more and continued my revision. Then judgement came. The Head of Department for Science saw part of the episode and came in. You know what happened next.
"Those who played with the Distilled Water Spray come out now. If you have done it, have the guts to admit it."
The atmosphere was so tense... One immediately admitted.
"Only one? No... I saw everything. Have the guts to come out. Who's the chairman? Ah... Yes, you must have seen everything. Tell me, who else?"
Awkward silence.
"Who else?"
The chairman unwillingly pointed the other one.
"Yes, who else?"
Then he pointed out the "victim".
"There are leaders in this class. Chairman, the class committee, councillors. Yet no one stopped this? You will not take the SPA until after the last shift is over and everyone of you will write a statement on what happened. If I'd make you stay till 5pm, 6pm, I will."
Then things finally calmed down for awhile as the two culprits got dragged outside for serious lecturing and they allowed the SPA to continue as per normal for the rest of us. During the SPA itself, I was thinking whether I should blame those two for ruining the entire class' day. I reached the conclusion of NO. The teacher was right. We should've stopped them. It's not that we think that we need not be responsible for other's action but rather we think that they are just screwing around like usual and have no need to stop them. The entire class should bear the responsibility as a class. And too, there's no need to blame anyone. Not those who played a fool, not those who added into the fire, not those who didn't care. Not anyone of us. We should all learn from this experience and forgive one another. Though the day was already ruined, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Reap

"You reap what you sow."

Heard of "Karma"? Understand the logic of "Cause and Effect"? Well, if you do, you would probably understand what I will be talking about. "Cause and Effect"? You plant a seed in the right soil, right conditions, it will germinate and eventually bear fruits or become a tree. You plant several rice seedlings and worked dutifully to take care for all of the seedlings so that they would grow healthily, there would be rice wheats at the during harvest. Well, if you just plant them and not care about the growth of the seedlings, you'd probably not get much or nothing at all during the harvesting period. Of course sometimes "Miracles" do happen. Anyways, this theory does not apply to just farming alone. It's about planting seeds to everything you do in your life. The beginning, the foundation, then the process and finally, the fruits of your labour. Studies is one that the "Cause and Effect" theory can be applied on. You work hard on your foundations on your studies faithfully and diligently, and continued to practice along the way, you're most likely to get good results. If you just slack and not do any work, being very lazy, not paying attention in class... You won't understand any concept and even if you work hard at the very end, you will not be able to produce good results coz' your foundation is not at the level where you can answer questions easily. Besides studies, relationships with the people around you can apply this logical theory too. Other than that there're a lot of stuff that has the "Cause and Effect" theory working in it. I have quarrelled with my mum just now. Well, this time she is obviously in the wrong. But the quarrel was rather one-sided as usual. She was actually talking back, trying to use illogical thinking to defend herself and prove that I'm in the wrong. She's always trying to be right, won't admit her mistake. I, on the other hand, desired to fire back. But I thought that it would be useless. So I tried to reason with her, asking how she would have felt if she was treated this way. She just plainly snapped and continued her scoldings. I was then reminded of just one thing. That in the future, she would completely understand what's the meaning of "Cause and Effect" and she would deeply regret what she had done. Coz' I would make sure of it. I would tell her, "You reap what you sow, Mum. Remember what you have done?" Forgiveness and Mercy is one thing. Cause and Effect is another. We will always face judgement for our own actions one day. Whether it could be studies, relationships, career, our undecided future. Our actions in the past and the present will shape our future. So, remind yourselves about this. It may come in handy.

Reject

"Sorry, I just don't like you."

I can't believe I am actually writing this essay. "Reject". I am troubled. Well, not just troubled. Just can't find the right word to describe my feelings. Sad? Guilty? Angry? Worried? Maybe all mixed together. I'm always trying to be a good person. Trying to be forgiving, thoughtful of other's feelings, understanding, kind, and stuff. Although sometimes I wasn't what I've said above, but I have tried. I don't wanna hurt anyone if possible. Why? Coz' it hurts me when I realise I am hurting someone else. Especially emotionally. If it's only about disputes, quarrels and stuff, it's still fine. But when there comes to a time when a quite/very close friend of the opposite sex comes forward and confesses... I knew what I have to do. But doing it would hurt her. Of coz' it would hurt me too. But I can't let this drag on. I gotta put an end to it so that even if it hurts, it wouldn't hurt so much and both of us wouldn't suffer. Sometimes I really hope that I am not 'gifted' to be able to see through the veils of time. Way before all these started, I've already seen the possibilty of this happening almost the exact way it have happened. I can only hope that she does not misunderstand the fact that I'm not hurt after the rejection. Coz' I am.

"I think rejecting someone feels worse than being rejected cause you know how it feels to be on the other end."