Inferiority Complex

It is better to be envied than pitied. - Vorian Atreides


I think I've used the same quote somewhere in this blog before. But well, no other quote suits this topic better. I'm gonna come clean with myself for the first time, and perhaps the only time. If you guys wanna know about a vital piece of myself, check this out. But I assume most of you (if not all) would carry on reading this anyway.


Yes, I'm beaten. Beaten without fail. Resistance only ends in futility. I can only dream, and continue dreaming for the rest of my life and can never achieve whatever I really wanted, or fulfill any of my dreams. Maybe "never" is too exaggerating a word. "No longer" is probably what I really mean. No longer having the ability to achieve or fulfill my own dreams.


I probably have a minor case of inferiority complex, and have had that since primary school days. I just wasn't good enough. I can't jump high or far(that explains my inevitable failing of Standing Broad Jump), I can't play any sports even adequately(primary school days), I can no longer score good grades for my subjects(when I stepped into secondary school life), I can't be very vocal and charismatic, I can't sprint or run long distance, I don't have the strength to do pull-ups or even typical push-ups, I can't stretch much, I can't play basketball well enough, I don't have musical talent, I'm not agile enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not good-looking enough, I'm not funny enough etc..... and so on... I think I can go all day about this. Bottom line: I am not good enough


Naruto has a dream, which is to become the Hokage, surpassing all the others that have came before him, as an attempt to make everyone acknowledge him as a person. He stands by his dream, never taking back his words and advances towards that goal with his undeniably strong will. Slowly but surely he is progressing towards becoming the Hokage, and the anime/manga serves as a platform to showcase his storied journey towards achieving that dream. I really admire his undying will and strength, and that's one of my reasons for being a fan of the series. He refuses to surrender and succumb to the evil side, striving towards being acknowledged by everyone, no matter how the odds are against him. Sometimes I wish to be like him, though I'm a far cry from what he is.


I knew that I'm inferior since primary school and I admit, I tried to change myself. To change for the better. My motivation for doing so? A girl I used to like. I tried to become better, so that I'm worthy of being together with her. Ya I know this definitely sounds silly, cheesy and unbelievably stupid till anyone can laugh at what I've done. But I'm not joking. That's my mentality. So what did I do? I began to play basketball, something I really sucked at when I'm still a primary school kid. I began to play Audition, which she also plays, so that I can have the chance to play with her. Mind you, I don't even have internet connection and a decent computer back then, so I've gotta head to internet cafes to play and hopefully get better(It didn't happen though, stuck at playing 140bpm max). I even began to try to lose weight as well. I began to talk more, and try to socialise more, hanging around with more friends, as well as trying to boost my not-very-high self-esteem.


Even in secondary school, I continued to try to become better because of that person. I didn't regret what I did. I changed because of her. I become the person I am today mainly because of her, and she probably didn't even realise it. I am better at basketball now, though not at a 'pro' level. I'm not as fat or chubby as I used to be, and I'm able to do things better now. But I'm still not good enough. I constantly feel the heat of the competition of the people around(or not) me. Just by looking at them, I have the urge to just look away and shake my head. They are able to sprint really fast, do multiple pull-ups, flip tyres, play basketball better than me, speak really well, or just more good-looking than me. They can even just be more attractive. Or all at once. And I am miles away from being on par with them.


I really envy these people, because they can do what I can't. But as the very famous and cliché saying goes "Everybody is special in their own ways", I suppose I'm special in my own way too. Well? Where? What? How? No matter how you see it, I don't think there's something really special about me. Not counting my very own looks(well I don't have a twin so my looks are 'one of a kind'), and some small and insignificant characteristics, I'm not by any means 'special'. But any religious or wise person would tell me to look at those small and insignificant traits within me carefully, and find out how special I am. Not denying it, perhaps I really am "special". But I don't wanna be special in such a ordinary way. It's not enough for me. I want to be truly special but not exactly outta this world. I want to be extraordinary. Okay, maybe not THAT extraordinary. Just something... more...


Two nights ago, a primary school classmate added me on Facebook, and to be honest, I'd never expected him to do so. We ain't exactly the best of friends, and we often quarrelled over minor stuff(those kinda harmless arguments and name-calling in schools). But if I do remember about him and what he was back then, he wasn't what he is today. So as to speak, he changed as well. He started a pretty warming Facebook conversation, and I really felt him mature and grown over the years. Really, I think I'm getting old and sentimental HAHAS... But, he became a rather nice person to talk to, and I didn't expect that of him. It appears that he got into NYJC which many of my ex-classmates together with him enrolled in, and I can only state that I went into Innova. You can drone on and on about the equality between schools and all that policies but we cannot deny the fact that there are better schools, elite schools and lower-standard schools. There's no changing it. I screwed up my O-Levels though I have to be grateful that I did my very best and a few subjects saved my life. Raw 15 points, I don't have many choices to choose from. I chose Innova because I believed that I can redeem myself from my mistakes and find a new life there. A new life? Ya, I found it. But it never was the same again. I don't have the Brotherhood beside me, I don't have 4 Endurance in my classroom, I don't have Mr Sherman See as my form teacher. I really miss secondary school life minus the work and stuff. 


Not looking down on Innova JC(I like my college a lot), but statistics show that I'm at the bottom of the league while most of my friends are on another level. We're all competing for the seats in the universities and we're supposed to strive for a course that we are interested in and able to score in as well. But the education system being mostly results-orientated, the seats are highly likely to go to those who are studying in the 'elite' colleges right now. Well, unless something extraordinary happened, and we Innovians start a revolution. A revolution to beat the odds and change our 'predestined' fate. Can't ignore that possibility, since amazing things have been happening just recently.


I used to be the top in class. Now, I'm at the bottom(I mean not being in the good or elite colleges NOT bottom in class). The peeps which I beat in results before, actually maintained their scores or even climbed into greater heights, getting into those elite colleges. Hwa Chong, National, Victoria Junior College(VJC). What can I say? You think I have a reason to feel inferior now? 


I wish I don't have to add this experience I had into this post, but it seems relevant enough for me to do so. I went to VJC for... a good friend's concert since she's performing. I thought I should accept the invitation and go support her since she had worked and practised really hard for it. To be honest, it was a torture from what I can tell. Needless to say, I stepped into that college for the first time and I felt... humbled. There's nothing really grand about the college(no offence), but I just feel so small. I mean, if you ask me to wear an Innova JC's PE shirt and walk straight in, I would. That's my pride for being part of the college. But, in my head, I just keep thinking that there are freaks in this school. Don't misunderstand me, what I meant by "freaks": Freaks of nature. They are high scorers in terms of academics and can play really well in sports and performing arts. There are probably really good speakers as well. If my memory didn't fail me, VJC won a couple of A-Division championships this year. Something IJC would not do that easily.


Lemme sidetrack a little bit and talk about the concert I went for. It was a brilliant performance by the Harmoc band, inclusive of my friend and I thought I've made the right choice to attend the concert, though I have an Economics examination the next day. I'm glad I went, and I wish I could hear more of their wonderful performance. Hehehe... To be honest, one of the main reasons I attended it(beside my friend), was because of a song that the band was gonna play. Anyone who know me well enough will able to guess what song it is and how much it meant to me. It is very meaningful and tragic at the same time. Too bad, my friend wasn't performing that song though. Over all, I'm really glad I made the tough decision to attend the concert and once again able to see a few of my friends and have a short reunion. All I can say for the performance is that, it could've been longer but still, it's pretty good. I hope my friend and her Harmoc company will continue to play such beautiful music. Kudos to my friend here, for making lotsa effort for the performance and for the brilliant performance itself.


Back to the topic. I'm neither good enough nor special enough. It's just humbling. I really envy those who are gifted, one way or another. Sometimes, I wish roles can be swapped. Some people misuse their gifted talents and use them with evil or unfriendly intentions. They just take their superiority over others for granted. Here's another one: "With great power comes great responsibility". These people sure don't have any dignified responsibility. That's another reason to say that life is unfair. Well, since when life has been fair? Especially towards the kind and innocent(In case you are wondering, I'm not talking about myself). Gifted talents and traits are often abused by those despicable and unforgivable people. And people who truly deserved these extra gifts from heaven, did not have them. No point asking why though. It just works this way.


Sometimes, I wish I can just surrender. Give up. Throw away my dreams and ambitions. If not for watching Naruto and his undying Will of Fire, I would've given up long ago. I wouldn't have just stood there and get pummelled time and time again as I sought to climb back up. As I sought to redeem myself. As I sought to change for the better. As I sought to win someone's heart. I wish I can just release and open up my clenched fist and just let it go. But it is just too darn difficult either way. I know I'm inferior but I ain't giving up. I know it's almost impossible but I'm not backing down. I know it's pointless to continue the struggle but I can't let go. I know it hurts but I just don't quit.


Change is forever. Change is constant. I know I still have a long way to go before I can catch up, but I'm gonna do it. I've been constantly changing because of a single motivation, and I've done it. Well, at least half of it. My second half is just about to begin. Take note guys, I'm gonna come after y'all. The epic twist of the story is just about to begin. Something revolutionary is gonna happen. And my prophecies often come true. My advice? Don't even blink. 

Championship

"We thought the Premier League had gone. Thank God it all worked out for us. We got two goals in five minutes. It was absolutely unbelievable." - Sergio Kun Aguero

I guess this post is pretty obvious huh? 13 May 2012: Manchester City became the Barclays Premier League champions. It is a historical moment, both for Manchester City and the Premier League itself. Truly, a memory to savour. If you're a football fan(or 'soccer'), you would probably have known how great a magnitude was the final match of the BPL season this year for Manchester City. Their arch-rivals and the only championship contender left standing: Manchester United, shares the same points as them, lagging behind only due to goal difference. In order for City to clinch that title which had evaded them for 44 years, they have to at least match the results of the Manchester United match against Sunderland at the Stadium of Light, and pray that United does not score many goals to cancel out the goal difference.


I was watching the match with my dad, and had expected that City will be up against a tough side on that night, facing a relegation-threatened QPR. After the first couple of minutes watching that match, and just looking at how QPR is defending with all 11 men(inclusive of the Goal-Keeper), I knew it won't be easy for City to score. Though dominating a huge portion of ball possession, City didn't score until Zabaleta took an shot and the ball went across the line, though QPR keeper deflected it, with a stroke of luck. Prior to that, the City fans at Etihad Stadium and across the world were very nervous, as United scored with Rooney's header.


After a Barton's ejection from the match, likely to face a long match ban for elbowing City striker Tevez and kneeing another City forward Aguero after being shown the red card, QPR took advantage of City's defence "accidents", scoring two goals and claiming the lead 2-1 against City. This is where the crazy part starts. United lead Sunderland 1-0 all the way till the whistle was blew, and during this period of time, City was trying to regain the lead from QPR. Despite numerous attempts at scoring, they have been denied again and again by the QPR defenders and keeper Paddy Kenny. But, the equaliser came at the additional time, with Dzeko hitting a header from a corner cross from David Silva. With just a few more minutes to play, the struggle between United and City for the title only escalated. 


On the virtual table, United was on top of the table after securing a victory over Sunderland while City fought for a draw. The City fans at Etihad Stadium was virtually on the edge of collapse. As it looks clear that United will win their 20th title, something extraordinary happened. A hero rose to the occasion. Substitute Mario Balotelli forced the ball to Sergio Aguero's feet and the Argentinian striker rammed the ball home, creating a miraculous comeback for City and their title dreams. Anyone could imagine how the United players and fans felt after that crazy strike. That happened in the 93rd minute plus 20 seconds. The City fans went into frenzy after witnessing the goal that brought the their Premier League trophy. That was absolutely stunning.


I officially joined the camp of the blue side of Manchester after witnessing Aguero's prowess in the early matches of the season, believing that they have a legitimate shot at the title this season. If you're saying that I'm a bandwagon fan, well I don't support United, Liverpool or Chelsea. I had supported Arsenal, during the 'Invincibles' era with Thierry Henry spearheading their campaign for trophies. After that I became rather mild in supporting either teams in the BPL. Throughout all the years in my life(I'm not old, I'm only 17), I didn't get the chance to witness the team I support win a championship. Not in Premier League football, not in NBA. The closest I got was the Celtics vs Lakers Finals Game 7, which I wrote about just previously. Really, I didn't have the chance to celebrate my team clinching a championship. That happened to a huge bunch of my friends, which several supports United and they've been winning the title year after year, a few supported NBA teams like Lakers and Spurs which also won NBA championships in the past decade. They have the opportunity to run about, cheering their teams dominant victories and obtain the bragging rights again and again(a lot of people abuse it though), but not me.


I finally have the chance in being part of a championship-caliber team as a supportive fan, but City's performances ain't the most consistent. They had a eight point lead over 2nd-placed United at the mid point of the season, after making their presence felt at Old Trafford by thrashing United 1-6. But several mistakes and slips here and there cost them their lead on the league table and United suddenly stood on top of the table once again, a position so familiar to them. I remember how I was cursing when City dropped crucial points when they lost or draw teams that they are able to win. I felt an all too familiar pain of loss when City lost the lead and perhaps lost their title hopes. However, United's mistakes against Everton and Wigan, after that another loss to City, costed them the lead towards the end of the season. City took over based on goal difference and a decisive win over QPR would most likely land City the title, but it was a hard-fought battle. A battle to the death. On the verge of choking and throwing their title away, City eventually prevailed with an unexpected and dramatic turn of events. Aguero took off his jersey and ran around the stadium for his goal celebration. Guess what? I did the exact same thing!


That was the most exciting match ever for me. It was like the climax of the movie and how the "good guys" always win in the end even when the odds were highly against them. The goals from Dzeko and especially Aguero was unbelievable. And to witness the team I support, to hold the trophy up high, was a special moment for me. I feel like I'm a part of Manchester City now, though I can't score goals, though I can't dribble the ball well, though I don't play football that well. That feeling was simply amazing.


This is truly the best season ever in BPL history, with incredible highs and lows faced in the various teams in the league. The intense rivalry for the title between the 'noisy neighbours' in the two sides of Manchester, the spiralling to the top three of the table through Captain Van Persie's remarkable season by Arsenal, the rise of teams such as Newcastle and Tottenham, the shocking number of goals scored in matches(8-2, 1-5, 1-6, 3-5, 4-4 and etc), the battle for relegations and cases of misconduct. The craziest and most exciting season ever, which the winner was undetermined till the very last minute of the last match of the season.


These few days I've been watching the same footages over and over again, replaying Aguero's "championship-winner" goal repeatedly, and my mad reaction at the goal happened again and again. Listening to the thunderous cheer at the Etihad Stadium definitely made my day. I guess this marks a turning point in my life, a point where I am inspired to reach the top again, like what City did after a long and painful wait. Thank you for the match. Thank you for the season. Thank you for the competition. Thank you, City and United. An unmatched rivalry for the craziest and undoubtedly the best season ever.


P.S by the way, the reign of the Sky Blues has only just begun...


"I never stopped believing, never ever." Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany

Disappointment

Disappointment is a form of bankruptcy - The bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. - Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind


Sorry for not posting anything for such a long period of time. I actually wanted to post this early this week but as it seems, I was terribly sick. My fever hit a 40.2 degree celsius record. If you think that alone is bad enough, there's more. I've got running and blocked nose, terrible sore throat and coughing really bad. Till now, I still got my cough and sore throat...


Disappointments are part and parcel of life. Who doesn't know that? We all have our moments when we are very disappointed, whether if it's disappointed in our results, disappointed that your birthday present wasn't what you wanted, disappointed that someone else did something terribly wrong when you have expected better from him/her. Nah, I'm not gonna mention anymore examples, since it's obviously too many. But one thing we all do know is that disappointments don't cease to exist. They just keep coming, don't they? One after another.


Just last Friday, I have had quite a number of disappointments. The very first one is the GP essay. I seriously can't believe that I've scored 23/50 for my very first GP essay. That was a sub-pass. And I don't even treat sub-pass as a passing grade. First off, I did my best to do that essay, and even came up with some "brilliant" examples to seal the argument. Though I'm inexperienced and didn't follow much of the taught format, I personally think that 23/50 is far too harsh. Perhaps even biased.


Project Work is another hell for JC students. After getting my PI rejected, I thought what could be worse. Well, lemme tell you what. My PW group arrangement. To be frank, it hit me hard when my PW group was finally revealed. Not saying that any one of them is incapable or just plain slackers. To be honest, I think that they can contribute a lot to the group, including one or two who can come up with remarkable ideas. However, being such an analytical person, I had already came up with possible PW groupings(which is fair yet can ensure team chemistry within the group)in my mind way before our groups are revealed. But it obviously didn't go my way, so disappointment is inevitable. Quite frankly, I contemplated asking our PW tutor for a reshuffle, but I didn't do it. It probably might cause some tension within the class, which I believe we already had. I've been reshuffling the PW groups at the back of my mind ever since the groupings were revealed, "trading" people here and there, while ensuring that they can work together and have the each of the roles given within each group. Though I've actually found a few other combinations which could have worked as well, but like I said, I did not approach my tutor to ask for a reshuffle.


Remember I said something about going for my House Exco interview in one of my previous posts? I didn't get into the House Exco. Yesterday the House leaders and CCA leaders were "inducted" officially if I'm not wrong. To not be up there with the rest of the House Exco members... It is very disappointing. To my surprise, I've found out that my OG mate Isaac didn't get past the interview as well. I mean, I could very well see those who have led the Aquila House well during the Bintan camp. If I could vote for someone to be part of the House Exco, Isaac would definitely be one of the first. But no, he didn't get in. The thing that really made me wonder is why. Why not us? Just becoz' of the interview? Leadership capabilities are measured by an interview? Many people went for the interviews for their respective Houses but some of those notable candidates actually didn't get in as well. Looks like I've still got a long way to go.


Despite being disappointed so many times before, I still feel demoralised somehow. I've been striving to not disappoint anyone anymore, especially myself. But it just keep happening.