Inferiority Complex

It is better to be envied than pitied. - Vorian Atreides


I think I've used the same quote somewhere in this blog before. But well, no other quote suits this topic better. I'm gonna come clean with myself for the first time, and perhaps the only time. If you guys wanna know about a vital piece of myself, check this out. But I assume most of you (if not all) would carry on reading this anyway.


Yes, I'm beaten. Beaten without fail. Resistance only ends in futility. I can only dream, and continue dreaming for the rest of my life and can never achieve whatever I really wanted, or fulfill any of my dreams. Maybe "never" is too exaggerating a word. "No longer" is probably what I really mean. No longer having the ability to achieve or fulfill my own dreams.


I probably have a minor case of inferiority complex, and have had that since primary school days. I just wasn't good enough. I can't jump high or far(that explains my inevitable failing of Standing Broad Jump), I can't play any sports even adequately(primary school days), I can no longer score good grades for my subjects(when I stepped into secondary school life), I can't be very vocal and charismatic, I can't sprint or run long distance, I don't have the strength to do pull-ups or even typical push-ups, I can't stretch much, I can't play basketball well enough, I don't have musical talent, I'm not agile enough, I'm not creative enough, I'm not good-looking enough, I'm not funny enough etc..... and so on... I think I can go all day about this. Bottom line: I am not good enough


Naruto has a dream, which is to become the Hokage, surpassing all the others that have came before him, as an attempt to make everyone acknowledge him as a person. He stands by his dream, never taking back his words and advances towards that goal with his undeniably strong will. Slowly but surely he is progressing towards becoming the Hokage, and the anime/manga serves as a platform to showcase his storied journey towards achieving that dream. I really admire his undying will and strength, and that's one of my reasons for being a fan of the series. He refuses to surrender and succumb to the evil side, striving towards being acknowledged by everyone, no matter how the odds are against him. Sometimes I wish to be like him, though I'm a far cry from what he is.


I knew that I'm inferior since primary school and I admit, I tried to change myself. To change for the better. My motivation for doing so? A girl I used to like. I tried to become better, so that I'm worthy of being together with her. Ya I know this definitely sounds silly, cheesy and unbelievably stupid till anyone can laugh at what I've done. But I'm not joking. That's my mentality. So what did I do? I began to play basketball, something I really sucked at when I'm still a primary school kid. I began to play Audition, which she also plays, so that I can have the chance to play with her. Mind you, I don't even have internet connection and a decent computer back then, so I've gotta head to internet cafes to play and hopefully get better(It didn't happen though, stuck at playing 140bpm max). I even began to try to lose weight as well. I began to talk more, and try to socialise more, hanging around with more friends, as well as trying to boost my not-very-high self-esteem.


Even in secondary school, I continued to try to become better because of that person. I didn't regret what I did. I changed because of her. I become the person I am today mainly because of her, and she probably didn't even realise it. I am better at basketball now, though not at a 'pro' level. I'm not as fat or chubby as I used to be, and I'm able to do things better now. But I'm still not good enough. I constantly feel the heat of the competition of the people around(or not) me. Just by looking at them, I have the urge to just look away and shake my head. They are able to sprint really fast, do multiple pull-ups, flip tyres, play basketball better than me, speak really well, or just more good-looking than me. They can even just be more attractive. Or all at once. And I am miles away from being on par with them.


I really envy these people, because they can do what I can't. But as the very famous and cliché saying goes "Everybody is special in their own ways", I suppose I'm special in my own way too. Well? Where? What? How? No matter how you see it, I don't think there's something really special about me. Not counting my very own looks(well I don't have a twin so my looks are 'one of a kind'), and some small and insignificant characteristics, I'm not by any means 'special'. But any religious or wise person would tell me to look at those small and insignificant traits within me carefully, and find out how special I am. Not denying it, perhaps I really am "special". But I don't wanna be special in such a ordinary way. It's not enough for me. I want to be truly special but not exactly outta this world. I want to be extraordinary. Okay, maybe not THAT extraordinary. Just something... more...


Two nights ago, a primary school classmate added me on Facebook, and to be honest, I'd never expected him to do so. We ain't exactly the best of friends, and we often quarrelled over minor stuff(those kinda harmless arguments and name-calling in schools). But if I do remember about him and what he was back then, he wasn't what he is today. So as to speak, he changed as well. He started a pretty warming Facebook conversation, and I really felt him mature and grown over the years. Really, I think I'm getting old and sentimental HAHAS... But, he became a rather nice person to talk to, and I didn't expect that of him. It appears that he got into NYJC which many of my ex-classmates together with him enrolled in, and I can only state that I went into Innova. You can drone on and on about the equality between schools and all that policies but we cannot deny the fact that there are better schools, elite schools and lower-standard schools. There's no changing it. I screwed up my O-Levels though I have to be grateful that I did my very best and a few subjects saved my life. Raw 15 points, I don't have many choices to choose from. I chose Innova because I believed that I can redeem myself from my mistakes and find a new life there. A new life? Ya, I found it. But it never was the same again. I don't have the Brotherhood beside me, I don't have 4 Endurance in my classroom, I don't have Mr Sherman See as my form teacher. I really miss secondary school life minus the work and stuff. 


Not looking down on Innova JC(I like my college a lot), but statistics show that I'm at the bottom of the league while most of my friends are on another level. We're all competing for the seats in the universities and we're supposed to strive for a course that we are interested in and able to score in as well. But the education system being mostly results-orientated, the seats are highly likely to go to those who are studying in the 'elite' colleges right now. Well, unless something extraordinary happened, and we Innovians start a revolution. A revolution to beat the odds and change our 'predestined' fate. Can't ignore that possibility, since amazing things have been happening just recently.


I used to be the top in class. Now, I'm at the bottom(I mean not being in the good or elite colleges NOT bottom in class). The peeps which I beat in results before, actually maintained their scores or even climbed into greater heights, getting into those elite colleges. Hwa Chong, National, Victoria Junior College(VJC). What can I say? You think I have a reason to feel inferior now? 


I wish I don't have to add this experience I had into this post, but it seems relevant enough for me to do so. I went to VJC for... a good friend's concert since she's performing. I thought I should accept the invitation and go support her since she had worked and practised really hard for it. To be honest, it was a torture from what I can tell. Needless to say, I stepped into that college for the first time and I felt... humbled. There's nothing really grand about the college(no offence), but I just feel so small. I mean, if you ask me to wear an Innova JC's PE shirt and walk straight in, I would. That's my pride for being part of the college. But, in my head, I just keep thinking that there are freaks in this school. Don't misunderstand me, what I meant by "freaks": Freaks of nature. They are high scorers in terms of academics and can play really well in sports and performing arts. There are probably really good speakers as well. If my memory didn't fail me, VJC won a couple of A-Division championships this year. Something IJC would not do that easily.


Lemme sidetrack a little bit and talk about the concert I went for. It was a brilliant performance by the Harmoc band, inclusive of my friend and I thought I've made the right choice to attend the concert, though I have an Economics examination the next day. I'm glad I went, and I wish I could hear more of their wonderful performance. Hehehe... To be honest, one of the main reasons I attended it(beside my friend), was because of a song that the band was gonna play. Anyone who know me well enough will able to guess what song it is and how much it meant to me. It is very meaningful and tragic at the same time. Too bad, my friend wasn't performing that song though. Over all, I'm really glad I made the tough decision to attend the concert and once again able to see a few of my friends and have a short reunion. All I can say for the performance is that, it could've been longer but still, it's pretty good. I hope my friend and her Harmoc company will continue to play such beautiful music. Kudos to my friend here, for making lotsa effort for the performance and for the brilliant performance itself.


Back to the topic. I'm neither good enough nor special enough. It's just humbling. I really envy those who are gifted, one way or another. Sometimes, I wish roles can be swapped. Some people misuse their gifted talents and use them with evil or unfriendly intentions. They just take their superiority over others for granted. Here's another one: "With great power comes great responsibility". These people sure don't have any dignified responsibility. That's another reason to say that life is unfair. Well, since when life has been fair? Especially towards the kind and innocent(In case you are wondering, I'm not talking about myself). Gifted talents and traits are often abused by those despicable and unforgivable people. And people who truly deserved these extra gifts from heaven, did not have them. No point asking why though. It just works this way.


Sometimes, I wish I can just surrender. Give up. Throw away my dreams and ambitions. If not for watching Naruto and his undying Will of Fire, I would've given up long ago. I wouldn't have just stood there and get pummelled time and time again as I sought to climb back up. As I sought to redeem myself. As I sought to change for the better. As I sought to win someone's heart. I wish I can just release and open up my clenched fist and just let it go. But it is just too darn difficult either way. I know I'm inferior but I ain't giving up. I know it's almost impossible but I'm not backing down. I know it's pointless to continue the struggle but I can't let go. I know it hurts but I just don't quit.


Change is forever. Change is constant. I know I still have a long way to go before I can catch up, but I'm gonna do it. I've been constantly changing because of a single motivation, and I've done it. Well, at least half of it. My second half is just about to begin. Take note guys, I'm gonna come after y'all. The epic twist of the story is just about to begin. Something revolutionary is gonna happen. And my prophecies often come true. My advice? Don't even blink.