You know I have this key-chain, a very symbolic one, put together with my pair of keys (obviously). I was wondering that perhaps someday I might remove it myself. Heck, I'm almost certain that someday I'll remove it. I keep asking myself what's the point of keeping it and having to look at it every single time I take out my keys. It'd only serve as a constant reminder. Reminding me that you're not mine, and most likely you'll never be mine. So what's the point of keeping it there, if it's only for decoration?
I keep pondering over this matter, ever since I first put it together with my keys. Clearly I was silly enough to keep clinging onto that tiny bit of hope I had left. Well, I was planning to stay faithful and chose not to give up. Giving up was never in my vocabulary. Not since I've watched Naruto. Ya, I may have times when I did not put up my best performance, when I did not put in my best effort in doing something. But giving up? Never. And now, I may just have to do that thing that I'd never done before in my life. Probably there will soon come a time where I'll give up on you. Perhaps very soon indeed.
I mean, how long has it been? More than 7 months. I should have already figured out what had happened and what will happen. Ya, I did. And being an incredibly good mind-reader, with exceptional observation skills, and gifted with prophetic prescience (Ya, I know I'm just phrasing myself), I sorta figured what happened during the past few months. But what can I say when I already knew that it's coming and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it?
Sometimes I have the urge to just pull that keychain out and throw it away dramatically. Discard it like it meant nothing from the start. Sometimes I just wanna forget everything. Why wait for someone who prolly isn't going appear anyway? I wish I can just drown in all the distractions around me. Studying, playing, listening to music, having fun with my peeps and so on. But it's useless. When we locked eyes even for that mere second, I wasn't able to do anything but shyly look away. Because I know it's almost impossible for me to forget you just like that. And I don't even know why.
I don't even know why did I fall for you in the very first place. It's been about two years back and I can't even answer that stupid question. Yes, why you? I couldn't answer that then, and still I can't answer that now. I'm such a childish fool. Looking at myself, I can't help but admit defeat over and over again. I know that I'm not worthy and it is highly unlikely that I'll ever be (unless something miraculous happen. See? I told you I'm still hoping). I just feel damn inferior. Do I mean anything significant to you? Of course not. You prolly have found another special someone already, haven't you? So why am I even contemplating whether it's about time I just give up? Didn't the answer presented itself to me already?
I know this is cliché but my mind is telling me to just give it up, while my heart says otherwise. I guess I'm that foolish to think that miracles do happen. Like how Man City scored two goals in the final minutes that turned monumental disappointment to joy in a historic fashion.
It's not easy to take out the keychain though, both literally and not. I have to untie the knot and separate the two rings. But I suppose it's really about time to give up. Throw the keychain away. Perhaps into the bottom of the sea, never to be found again. Or maybe I'm just gotta leave it hanging there, continue waiting for the day when I can smile whenever I look at it. Who knows? 我只不过是个幼稚的大笨蛋
You'll always be my 沈佳宜, but chances are, I'll never be your 柯景腾.
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